


You Can't Hurt Me Now

by kamidontarchive



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Canon, Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-06
Updated: 2005-01-06
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamidontarchive/pseuds/kamidontarchive
Summary: Brian goes to confront his past.





	You Can't Hurt Me Now

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

AN: This fic is centered around the song "Oh Father" by Madonna

* * *

Justin watched as Brian made his way over to the headstone, stopping in front of it. He had never seen Brian walk so slowly or look so defeated in all the time he had known him; he was starting to wonder if making Brian come here was a good idea. He leaned against the car pulling his jacket tighter around him as he watched the man he loved face his demons once and for all.

**  
Brian’s POV

I look down at my father’s grave and headstone and I never knew that you could feel so much for someone who treated you like shit for so long. As I lean down and run my fingers along the grooves that spell out his name I replay my childhood in my mind…  
 _  
I hear Jack come in the door and my body tenses. “Sonny boy why in the hell are all these toys on the floor” he screams as he grabs my shoulders and starts to shake me._

_“Clean them up now” he screams and I can smell the liquor on his breath as he lets me go and I hit the floor with a thud.  
_

It’s funny that way, you can get used   
To the tears and the pain  
What a child will believe  
You never loved me

I open my eyes and the scene is gone, I blink back the tears that I can feel about to fall as I kneel down into the snow that covers his grave. I can feel the dampness flow through the material as I take a deep breath. I can remember how many times he hit me and I can remember how many times my mother walked away or turned the other cheek.  
 _  
“I never wanted you” he said as he sat next to me on the couch._

_“You are nothing, you will always be nothing. If your mother wasn’t so damn religious I would have got rid of you. Fucking waste of space, I cannot believe I let you breathe my air” he said as he got up._

_I could feel the tears as they ran down my face.  
_  
You can’t hurt me now  
I got away from you, I never thought I would  
You can’t make me cry, you once had the power  
I never felt so good about myself

I know that he cannot hurt me anymore but the scars that he left are still here, some visible on my body and many more in my mind and coursing through my blood. I remember all the times that I hid in the closet when I was little waiting for him to go to bed. He never did, he always looked for me and when he found me I had a black eye and busted lip for days. I remember praying, when I still did, that he would stop…  
 _  
“Please God make daddy stop hurting me” I whispered into the darkness as I stood in the corner where he placed me earlier..._

_“Don’t fucking move you stupid fucking fairy” he told me so I stood there all night until I was absolutely sure that he was asleep. I crept to the end of the bed and kneeled down.  
_   
Seems like yesterday  
I lay down next to your boots and I prayed  
For your anger to end  
Oh Father I have sinned

I blink back the tears; tears that I did even realize were falling down my face. “Fuck you Jack” I say out loud. 

“I never had anyone who loved me unconditionally, until I found Justin” I tell him. I don’t know why I feel the need to tell Jack this all of a sudden. “Justin said that coming here would be good for me. Get some of this crap off my chest” I say to him. 

“Justin loves me so much and I love him, he knows that and now so do you. So you see it didn’t work, you tried to break me and make me think that no one wanted me and that no one cared but I have a son that I love and friends and family. A family that is a lot better than the one I was born into” I tell him as I wipe a tear away from my face.

You can’t hurt me now  
I got away from you, I never thought I would   
You can’t make me cry, you once had the power  
I never felt so good about myself  
 __  
Smack…

_Bruise…_

_Snap…_

_Break…_

_I fell down the steps.  
_  
Oh Father you never wanted to live that way  
You never wanted to hurt me  
Why am I running away  
 __  
I clutch the admissions letters from the colleges that I applied to in my hand behind my back as I hear Jack storm through the door. ‘Why did you open these downstairs?’ I think to myself as he comes crashing through the kitchen door, he is pissed from work and I am a target.

_“What the fuck are you hiding behind your back Sonny boy?”_

_“Nothing…just a letter” I tell him hoping that he will drop the issue._

_“Yeah right, just a letter. Let me see it” he says as he grabs my arm and takes the letter._

_“College…yeah fucking right, I ain’t paying for some worthless piece of shit like you to go to school. You’ll probably just end up knocking up some girl and working next to me” he says as he throws the letters in the trash and grabs a beer._

_I take the letters out of the trash and run to my room.  
_  
Oh Father you never wanted to live that way  
You never wanted to hurt me  
Why am I running away  
 __  
“My father hated me, it made me tough and you will be tough” he said to me at he sat drinking his beer. I looked over at him and I could see the tears that he was holding back.

_“You are going to be able to stand up to anyone, no one will make you do things that you don’t want to do. You won’t get stuck with a family that you really don’t want while you are working at a job you hate” he said._

_“And you will have me to thank” he said as he took another drink and got up to go to the bathroom. I saw my father differently after that. He was weak, bitter and sad. I would be better than that._  
  
Maybe someday  
When I look back I’ll be able to say  
You didn’t mean to be cruel  
Somebody hurt you too

“I know that you went through a lot Jack and I know that your father beat you, probably worse than you beat me. But that does not make what you did right and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did” I say. “But I understand where it came from and I can guarantee that I will never raise my hand to my son like that and I can promise that I will love my boyfriend so much that he never doubts it. I can be better than you”

“You made me tough and you made me strive to be the best but the price I paid was too high” I tell him as I feel Justin slip his hand into mine.

“Do you feel better?” he asks and I am almost surprised that I do. I do actually feel like I can leave all the angst of Jack and his memory behind. I grip Justin’s hand tighter and lead him to start the walk back to the car. Halfway there I turn to look back and I can see my dad standing there, it must have been when he was very young and he was holding a baby wrapped in a blue blanket. As the wind swirled a whisper carried on the current ‘I love you Sonny boy, always have and always will’ I hear. And just like that the image is gone.

You can’t hurt me now  
I got away from you, I never thought I would  
You can’t make me cry, you once had the power  
I never felt so good about myself

“Brian…everything alright?” he asks.

“Yeah…everything is as it should be” I say as I kiss him and we head for the car.


End file.
